Quote me happy

[welshone]

QUOTE ME HAPPY.

Just post anything to put what you think could make someone smile.

Have had a Bad couple of days and have just been hit by what feels like a steam train in hyperdrive.

So do your best to put a smile on me face. It wont help but may get me though.

Cheers Guys in advance.

[robkeep]

sorry your having a tough time. Its times like that I wish I had listened to my old mum.

[chrisl]

You must be coming down from the 'high' that is winning best BRM in the snow...

Seriously tho i hope things improve...

(From the other BRM in the village...)

C

[Adam]

Chin up Ian :)

Here's a joke for you...

A distraught farmer finds all his cows frozen in the snow, so he gets on his knees and prays to god for help.

A woman appears, puts her arms over his icey cows and they immediately defrost!

"Thank you" said the grateful farmer, "Are you an angel sent by god to help me in my troubled times?"

"No" says the woman............























"I'm Thora Herd"

:rofl:

[robkeep]

pull the udder one!

[BRMark]

This always makes me laugh! :laugh:

Link fail :(

[Bornunder Dutchess]

www.lamebook.com


This is litterally the funniest website I've seen in ages.

[dantheman]

here you go
apparently a true story posted on a site

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??


WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul), while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'Don't do it, dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and .. .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!



I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.



Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: There is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I shxt myself, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!



If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

[dantheman]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an
enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great
Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival,
you will be executed in three days. But, before I
kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is
your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my
horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the
Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the
horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver
returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the
Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's
impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse
but I will still kill you in two days. What is your
second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in
the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across
the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise,
Silver again returns, this time with a brunette,
even more attractive than the blonde. She enters
the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again
impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents
but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last
request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my
horse....alone."

The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is
brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver
by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

"Listen very carefully you stupid %#$*@ horse. For the
last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE!!!!"

[dantheman]

A Farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the
sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will
lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the
conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.

Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.

He drives them out to the woods, has sex with each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.



'Try again.' he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day having sex with the sheep and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.

He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

'No,' she says,

'They're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn!'

[dantheman]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.

Hes rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,

"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher.

[dantheman]

One day a 12-year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the window was wound down.

"I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car", said the male driver

"No way, get stuffed", replied the boy.

"How about a bag of lollies and £10?" asked the driver.

"I said no way", replied the irritated youngster.

"What about a bag of lollies and FIFTY QUID, eh"? quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.

"No, I'm not getting in the fricken car!" answered the boy

"OK, I know what you want, I'll give you £100 and a bag of lollies", the driver offered.

"NO," screamed the boy.

"What will it take to get you into the car"? asked the driver with a long sigh.
The boy replied,



"Listen Dad, you bought the Skoda, you live with it."

[dantheman]

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go.."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering:








"Dave you're a vet."

[dantheman]

and the all time picture to make you smile

http://i175.photobucket.com/albums/w131/mccourt12/HowToSaveYourselfMoneyAtChristmas.jpg


hows that then
feeling better

[welshone]

Very Funny, Good one guys :thumbsup:

[BRMark]

http://media1.break.com/dnet/media/2009/2/95%20Internet%20High-Five.jpg

[welshone]

My hands too big :(

or monitor too small :mbounce:

[BRMark]

Don't leave me hanging! :cry:

[Bornunder Dutchess]

don't leave me hanging! :cry:

slap!